17 February 2008

How to Prepare for Becoming a Parent

Borrowed this little bit wisdom and humor from Tish.

Lesson 1: Go to the grocery store. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2: Find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience and parenting style in general. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's feeding schedule, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior. Enjoy it, because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3: To discover how nights will be...Walk around the livingroom from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound)playing loudly. At 10PM, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the livingroom again, with the bag, until 1AM. Set the alarm for 3AM. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink. Go to bed at2:45AM. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4AM. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

Lesson 4: Can you stand the mess children make? To find out... Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flower bed. Then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5: Dressing a toddler is not as easy as it seems. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.

Lesson 6: Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars have a certain look. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There. Perfect.

Lesson 7: Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full- grown goat is excellent). If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8: Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air. You are now ready to feed a nine- month old baby.

Lesson 9: Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy'repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 10: Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your pant leg, shirt sleeve, or elbow while playing the mommy' tape made from Lesson 9 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

And, what's really funny is that it's the best job in the world! Happy Sunday, everyone!


Tish said...

hi! and happy sunday! i'm am going do a post with a link to the Calvary Church orphan ministry video if that is ok. (i'll assume it is unless i hear otherwise). also, if you don't mind answering...do you homeschool? if so, how do you keep the babies entertained? and do evie and ray ray share a room (if so do you have problems with them waking each other?) we started a china adoption before matthew's and we still have a long wait. i wantto be completely open if God calls us to do another adoption before china, but even one baby can be overwhelming at times...so i am trying to learn from veteran mamas!

Lori said...


Jesi and Joe said...

Awesome... good stuff to help us prepare! Thanks for the wisdom!

Elizabeth said...

That is so perfect it is frightening. Think I can steal it to put on my author website?


Hauswife said...

You betcha!

Deanna said...

Okay, this hit a little too close to home! I love it :)

Stacey Eutin said...

This is is funny and so true.I just got my angels to bed and I needed this laugh.
Enjoy your blog by the way.