08 April 2008

Oral Surgery Bites!

I have to have surgery again, and I'm a major baby about it. Can you hear my boohooing?

Due to the hyperemesis I had during my pregnancies, I developed pretty serious loss of gum tissue on all four canines. Years ago I had the first surgery done, and let me just say that I would rather deliver a 15 lb. baby than do that ever again!

The periodontist didn't sedate me during the surgery, and it was only then in his chair that I learned that the tissue needed for the "grafting material" was going to be "harvested" from the roof of my mouth. Seriously. I nearly barfed in my mouth just now thinking about it!

So needless to say, pretty fast I was asking him for large quantities of intravenous drugs, or a baseball bat, or a couple of good swigs of moonshine, or absolutely anything to knock me out cold. He didn't go for it.

After he was done, and I'd sweated the dental chair completely soaking wet and clawed through the armrests, I didn't even have the energy to curse him and all his relations. I just left and swore to the heavens never, ever to return.

Now, when my dentist told me that he was going to have to insist that I go ahead with the other three canines after waiting all these years I told him, "Oh yeah, you and what army are going to make me?!" He assured me that there are now new methods that don't involve the scraping of any tissue from the very sensitive roof of my poor mouth, and promised that his assistant, Veronica, who is also a friend of mine, would call with the info.

The next day, Veronica reached me and started to read me the literature about the new surgery. "Blah blah blah... blah blah blah... provides the missing components needed to restore health to damaged or receding tissue. It is donated human tissue that has been processed..."


"Oh my goodness, Laurie, I can't even read the rest of this! I'm getting clammy and lightheaded! I think I'm going to faint! The room is spinning!"

*Veronica takes several deep breaths*

After she recovered and said she'd just send me the information, I joked, "Wow, Veronica, what an endorsement! You should be their spokesperson!"

You know, I don't think I could ever eat again with Dead Joe's gums in my mouth. On the other hand, that would really help me get thin! But, then you have to consider the astronomical cost, too. Yes, dear reader, after the periodontist does this horrible, awful thing to your mouth which takes weeks and weeks to recover from, you get the bill... and need to go to the hospital again because you have a heart attack when you find out what you owe for the pleasure of his services! You could go on a very nice vacation for the cost of this surgery.

Which would I prefer? A week at the Ritz Carlton Grand Cayman, or the scraping of tissue from the roof of my mouth, or surgery to graft Dead Joe's gums onto mine? Hmmm... let me think on that a minute.


Lori said...

Oh gollie geez! Make sure they sedate you for crying out loud!!! I can do just about anything as long as I'm sedated - I'm the first one to always ask for something (except at the dentist - yet)!

You'll have to let us know when it will be so we can think of you!

I'm doing GREAT! We're over the moon excited these days - once I decided last week that it didn't really matter "when", everything else is falling into place! And on Sunday a calmess came over me and I heard a voice tell me "it is done"...

I can't wait!!! It's soooo close that I can feel it in my blood!

Thanks for thinking of me! xo Lor

Tish said...

ugh...that was absolutely gross. i vote for the vacation! i know i need to go to the dentist but i just keep putting it off...and off..and off...

Rebecca said...

YUCK!! Both to surgery and to Dead Joe's gums in your mouth!!!!! RUN, don't walk to the Ritz Carlton!!!!

FHL said...

Oh Laurie, I'm sorry you have to go through that, it sounds horrific! I think I'd be asking for dentures at that point!

Hope things go much better then last time and that their new "methods" include a heaping dosage of pain killers!

Ray Ortlund said...

Laurie, you are SO HILARIOUS!

emily said...

Oh sister! This is one thing that I so wish we didn't have in common, but we do! I had the aforementioned surgery a few months after we got married. I could lie and say it wasn't that bad, but it was hell. Well, you know.

I have heard about the new techniques and harvested skin- I will ask Moody about that. So feel your pain on this one, so feel your pain!!

So sorry Laurie!!! :(

Elizabeth said...

Oh dear - I would NEVER joke about oral surgery. I hate it too. But the comment about nearly barfing in your mouth has me in hysterics. You have an amazing way with words! This sounds quite interesting, I must say. The fact that your friend could barely utter what they were going to do would have had me running for foreign lands. Keep us up to date!


Deanna said...

Oh oh oh... I could barely read this with out heart palpitations and hyperventilation!!!

be_a_Mary said...

Oh my! You are so stinking funny that I'm laughing about a horrible procedure you're about to have. What is WRONG with me? Can't they at LEAST give you a sedative? I'm so sorry! It sounds very nasty.